Friday, December 12, 2008


Dostoevsky's umbrellas, cigarettes; St. Petersburg

Nabokov House; St. Petersburg

Tuomiokirkko Cathedral, Helsinki

I erased what I originally wrote here, because it felt fake.

I'm not a very good judge of when I write something not good and this disturbs me because I have to rely on other people to tell me what's good. (This stems from a fear that this is equivalent to relying on other people to tell you who you are). I am a 'control freak,' and it bothers me to rely on other people. My reluctance to rely on other people is sometimes interpreted (I think, based on my analysis of their body language and/or very specific verbal communications) as lack of care and causes people to not want to rely on me or care for me. That makes me sad until I remember that this non-reliance feedback loop probably originates with me. Then I'm angry at myself. I'm frequently angry at myself. But when I notice that I am relying on someone else and it feels good, I think of this as a biofeedback session. I am training my reliance muscle to remember what it is like to rely and be comfortable with it (reliance). When this happens I think that the next time I am about to not rely, I will remember that I can rely and it (reliance) can be good, and I will rely and it will start a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one. At least that is the ideal I'm going for at the moment. Another ideal is aiming for short-range ideal realization. I've realized that recently.

No comments: